Explanations.
Hello and welcome to the blog. We don’t have a name yet. If you’ve been around awhile, you know that this is about blog number 57. Maybe this one will stick. Probably not. We’ll work on it. However, we’re taking on a whole new direction with this blog. Buckle up, buttercup.
If you’re here, you probably know why. If you don’t know why, I’ll give you a quick briefing. I have cancer. Found out December 20th. Found out for sure on January 10th.
Life turned upside down December 20th. I came home from the MRI, I drove home after the phone call that gave us the news, and felt a little lost. Was I expecting this news? Yes. Did I know deep down what that doctor would be telling us on the phone when he called that day? Absolutely I did. I had known since before I even got sent for that MRI that things were about to take a turn. However, did I still allow the news to affect me? Did I still feel lost? Did I listen to the music on the way home that day and sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” and cry behind my sunglasses? Yes. Absolutely. 100%. I remember coming home and everything felt dirty. I had to vacuum and dust and organize my vanity. Looking back, I was doing anything for normalcy for five minutes. Anything I could do to go back to what life felt like the day, week, or year before…that’s what I was doing. As much as I tried to make things as normal as they were before, they weren’t, and life had to happen. Life now looks upside down to what it once was, with appointments and guidelines abounding.
If you know me, you know I hate going to the doctor. I hate taking medication. I hate complaining about not feeling well. Everything surrounding my health and involving other people in it…hate it. Before December 20th, I had been to the doctor one time since kindergarten that I can recall. Not to date myself too much, but kindergarten was almost a decade and a half ago. Avoiding the doctor has become a thing of the past. Over the last month, I’ve had 13 forms of doctor’s appointments. Those included four different scans, three COVID tests, two surgeries and an oncology appointment. (See what I tried to do there? Hah, fun.) I went from never being poked, prodded, scanned or under in my life that I can recall, to having it all done in a month. Typing it I feel overwhelmed, yet living it, it just felt like life.
I guess that’s part of the point of this post. Living this just feels like life. I can’t explain it, but simply living these moments…meeting doctors, starting treatment, getting bloodwork, having port placement surgery…it all strangely felt normal. It simply was just what I was supposed to be doing in this moment. *Elisabeth Elliot said, “Just do the next thing.” Whatever is going on, good, bad, happy, or sad…she advises just do the next thing. That’s what I’ve been doing. Not once has it felt big while simply living it. When I write it down, does it feel overwhelming and big and a little scary? Yes. It absolutely does. But just doing the next thing, just simply living for what the Lord has for today…that felt like life. That felt exactly like what I was supposed to be doing.
I remember when I was planning on going to Thailand, and specifically when the trip got cancelled, people told me how big it was. They tried to make me feel better once it got cancelled by assuring me that it was big and honorable and courageous that I was going to do that. The word big was used so many times referring to my life. And I want one thing to be known…not once in applying to go on that mission trip, or talking to God about it, or preparing for it did it ever feel big. Exciting? Absolutely, most things are exciting for me. (Do you even know me if you haven't seen me jump up and down because of a cloud or the perfect piece of gum or wearing mismatched socks? Everything is exciting, there's probably something wrong.) But did I ever feel like it was big? No.
Moral of these stories? Things don’t feel big to me. Because of this, I am assuming one of two things about myself through this. Either a) I’m naïve when it comes to my own life, or b) it’s simply who I am as a person. I’m going to go with option B because it makes me feel better. On the off chance that it’s option a, I’m using this blog to sober me up a bit. Writing things down and having to go through them make it feel a bit bigger. It makes it look and feel like a bit more of a challenge. There is a bit of empowering happening, and I pray that it isn’t vain. Knowing what’s already happened can surely make knowing what’s coming a bit lighter on a person, right? I’m asking myself here.
So, that's it. That's the tweet. I have cancer and I'm living with it and I'm writing it down here for you, me, and everyone in between to read. What do I want to leave with you today? That God is still God. He's still trustworthy and dependable. Regardless of how big something else looks, He's bigger. His plan is bigger. Trust the plan.
"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."
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