Hurt 2.0

 We're back this week with a different perspective on my last post, Hurt. This is Hurt 2.0.  

When I called my best boo Tuesday to have her "give it to me straight", she replied back with, "just let the church bless you." I had to proceed to tell her we were beyond that. It's past being able to just allow them to do this. 

When I told my mom I knew about the party and about all the anxiety I was having about it, she told me she understood but "we can't take away what the Lord has put on people's hearts." I said I knew that, but it didn't make my anxiety or panic any better. 

When I told a close friend that I went "mental this week", she told me it was okay to cry. Best response I had gotten from anyone so far. That made me feel more seen than anything else. Props to you...you know who you are. 

My pastor had a sit down with me after church today and I feel scattered after. My brain feels scattered. It probably didn't help I went into the conversation thinking it was one of two things, and I was hoping for the other one. I was excited about it maybe being the other one. Alas, it was about me and my mental health. Less fun subject. 

I feel like the conversation went in one big circle, and I don't know how he subject-hopped the way that he did, but he did. Maybe it's my chemo brain causing me to feel like the talk got nowhere, but I feel like it went nowhere nonetheless. The circle we kept coming back to was my inability as a giver to receive. I agree with this point, I think. However, we got off on several side points and none of them felt relative to the circle. 

One of the side points led him to saying something that helps him as a giver to receive is "don't rob other people of their blessing." He also told me it's just as important to be a gracious receiver as it is to be a gracious giver; there should be mercy in allowing other people to give. 

And I wish I processed everything faster...I also wish I could blame that on the chemo brain, but we all know I was like this before...because there's so much I wish I could have said to explain myself more. I would have said...

1) My head and my heart aren't clicking. I understand in my head that people are doing this because they love me and they want me to know they see me, but I don't feel that in my heart. My head wants my heart to be okay with this...I want my soul to proclaim, "look what the Lord is doing in their lives!" -- happy to know that these people are serving God through serving me. This is not happening in my heart. Instead, my heart is full of panic. I am internally anxious about this 24/7. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've went to the Lord in prayer this week to say, "Lord, my heart hurts." People telling me to just allow others to bless me is making me feel worse, not better. It makes me feel worse because I can't feel that and instead I'm feeling anxiety. I'm having anxiety about the anxiety. 

2) At what point does my mental health come first? I know deep down that none of these people involved had any intention of causing a panic attack or making me anxious, but it did send me into a panic attack and it is still causing anxiety. I feel 90% certain that most of my anxiousness will go away once this party is over. It's the source of most of it right now, and all my other anxiety is stemming from this. So, why would we have the party? Why would I go? If we can take away the anxiety, why wouldn't we? Instead, I feel pressure from all sides to go on with the party. I feel boxed in and like I have no choices or say-so in the matter. It makes me feel I can't speak up and say no to the party because I feel pressure to just allow the blessing. 

3) In response to his saying he knows I would rather be the one walking through this than any other person: yes. This is true. However, it's true because I can't begin to explain how normal this all feels. I've been told I'm acting like this is a vacation. Well, big surprise, I've been on vacations worse than this whole situation, so yes, I'm going to act like it's a vacation. I know this feels so much worse for everyone else than it does for me. I've only been anxious about two things with this whole situation so far. First, I had to talk on the phone to the cancer center before I went to make an appointment. That made me nervous. And second, flashing my bum for that bone marrow biopsy had me in absolute shambles. Other than that, all my nerves have involved telling people or about situations completely unrelated to having cancer. So, yeah, I would rather be the one doing this because I know it would feel worse if someone else was undergoing this instead of me. 

The final thing he left me with is, "You're in a tough spot. It's hard. I don't know what to tell you." Well...okay. Somehow, I feel like if you don't know what to say, maybe this sit down shouldn't have happened in the first place. I know the sit down was in love and meant to make me feel heard and seen, but instead it felt like a big circle and a waste of everyone's time. 

I went into this weekend starting to feel a bit better. Church this morning was so good for me. I had all of my littles back with me after not having them for a few weeks and my heart was full. It was a balm to my soul. I got hugs and squeezes and giggles to abound. I can't tell you how nice it felt. But I felt like I took a couple steps back mentally with the conversation. But it is a new week with new mercies every morning. 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."         Hebrews 4:15-16