Hurt.

 It’s early in the week for a post, Tuesday, but considering last week was short and today I’m am not doing well emotionally, I think it’s okay. This is my blog and I can do what I want with it, right? Okay cool. 

In my earlier years, I'd say 13-16, I had some pretty bad anxiety. I don't think a lot of people knew it, and if they did they never said anything. This was fine with me, and I have seen a lot of growth from it these last few years. I would say these last two years have been my least anxious years. That feels pretty good to say. However, today I feel thirteen again. I had a full blown panic attack today. Yep. I’ve only ever had one twice before that I can recall, and this felt a lot worse. I’m not sure exactly how it can feel worse or better during a panic attack, but I think this one stemmed from the amount of hurt and the feelings of disrespect following it. 

I found out my church family is planning a party for me disguised as a church luncheon. I’m just confused on what level it makes sense that we have a party. What, Chloe has cancer so we throw a effing party? I’m not sure who that makes sense to. Because it sure as hell does not make sense to me…on any level. But I feel I should explain as to WHY this feels hurtful, confusing, and disrespectful. 

First off, someone in our church family asked me if I would help with the party. The way they asked me was confusing as all get out (chemo brain, coming at you) and led me to asking if this party was a lunch thing or if it was an event for me. This proceeded to three different parties saying it was just a lunch thing. No attention on me. Perfect, I'll help with that -- only after reiterating with the person that asked that I did not want anything for me. 

I even talked to my mom about it in the following days, and there was a story to follow along with whatever needed to be said to ensure I didn't think it was a party for me. 

Fast forward to today and I'm babysitting. While the boys are playing, I find a stack of papers on the floor and pick them up. Surely, harmless. Wrong. This stack of papers would spin me into the panic attack that happened for the next umpteen hours. This piece of paper held instructions for everyone that knows and loves me to send in a video clip encouraging me that way the video could be given to me at my party. I read that paper five times. I wasn't trying to find out -- I didn't want to find out. I'm not a nosey person that I know of. I simply saw what something I thought needed to be picked up off the floor and grabbed it. Your eyes automatically find your name in writing. I read it because it appeared to pertain to me. Little did I know that it would put me in shambles the rest of the day. 

I proceeded to stick the boys in front of the television for the next forty minutes (I am mortified, don't get started with a guilt trip please) while I figured out how to breathe and not throw up. I hadn't ever felt so violated in my life. Who does this after I've asked them not to? Who lies about it? Apparently everyone in my life. The lies surrounding this bothered me the most at first. I realize you wanted it to be a surprise, but are you serious with the lies? No. 

And speaking of surprises, you know I hate them. My parents know I hate them. Even if it's a good surprise, it always would have been better if I had known about it. Unless it's Jesus coming back and then by all means throw a surprise party. This is not that, though. So, I'm unsure who thought of the surprise thing but it isn't working well for me. Every other part of my life right now is a surprise...literally every part. And that has to be fine. But if there's something else that I can know about instead of leaving it, I think it's worth knowing. If we can take away one surprise, whether good or bad, I am shouting from the rooftops and advocating my heart out to just take it away. 

I'm sitting on my couch this evening reflecting on it, though, and I realize this whole anxiety episode is a myriad of things. I wouldn't even call it cancer things, it's just life. The brakes in my mom's car are going out and I had to drive it today. Our kitchen is a literal dump right now, knee deep in renovations - it's causing the particulars of my OCD to go insane. My phone popped up with a memory of my dog today. My hair this weekend was as bas as it's ever been. ... There quite literally has been a myriad of things going on to which I cannot stop.